Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
