I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
