no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
