I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
