We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
