i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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