He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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