she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
