i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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