Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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