I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
