bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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