2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
