God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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