I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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