It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
