I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
