i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
