I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
