I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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