I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
