Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
