Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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