i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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