Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
