I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
