I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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