I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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