i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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