Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
