her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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