All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
it's like iHOP with fire
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
