I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
