He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
