I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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