you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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