I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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