Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
