She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
