do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
