fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
