I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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