filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
