The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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