SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
