Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
