Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
