How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
