I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
