I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
