i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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